Cinderfella and the First Ugly Sister

There was a very good reason why I moved to a new city and my new job had nothing to do with it. My parents and extended family were driving me right around the bend. And there is nothing like a little visit to or from them to remind me of the fact. My mother is visiting. Many women acquaintances and friends who know this, sympathise.

Many women are threatened by the intrusion of older people in their lives predominantly because of the age hierarchy plaguing our society. The elderly are to be deeply respected and they get offended if they are not “obeyed.” What we often forget is that while the elderly do bring a wealth of experience and – in some cases – maturity into any situation, many of them are ignorant, condescending, unreasonable, prejudiced, provincial and plain arrogant.

One of the biggest domestic challenges for any younger person today is that their parents – in all good intent – do everything in their power to challenge their marriage and parenting. My mother, for instance, loves my children and thinks them well-balanced. She also understands that the mate and I have a reason behind the way we work with the children. This does not prevent her from doing all she can to undermine our efforts.

All we need is to tell our children to do something and she immediately has an conflicting instruction for the child. “Go take a bath”, the mate will tell Big K. “Have breakfast before that,” my mother will respond. She slyly does Big K's chores and instructs him, “Tell papa that you did it.”
My mother knows the Big K is asthmatic and his diet is complicated by ADHD. He has strict food restrictions. She will feed him curd in plenty at dinner and wonder why the poor child is coughing all night. My mother feeds him every restricted item on the ADHD list behind our backs. She indulges him in sweet and fried items and we all have to deal with his sugar-highs.
She enables any bad behaviour on his part and encourages him to tease and boss over the Little K in our absence because she is “only a girl and is younger to him.” It has taken many years of consistent effort for us to improve his physical and emotional health. We have worked hard to discourage gender stereotypes in our home and explain to the children that they are different but equal.

In our case, this entire situation is so much more complicated by the “stepchild” factor. I have sat my mother down and explained our ideas, our hopes and plans for our children and the medical and other concerns that have helped shaped our parenting style. I have answered questions, made justifications, incorporated suggestions. She listens, nods and goes right back to doing what she wants.

If Big K hurts anyone, it is always the other person's fault and Big K is the victim. If he plays with Little K, he is naively sacrificing his birthright to that "entitled brat." If the mate expects him to do any chores, the Big K is Cinderfella. If I take him to task for anything, I am a bad mother. If Big K is now wheezing all day and night, it is not because my mother has fed him restricted foods. Oh no! It's because he does chores around the home. End result – Every time my mother visits, Big K is rude to us, resentful of the mate and hurts Little K physically – something he never does when my mother is not here. She certainly does not tell him to hurt her. It is the way she tells him not to hurt her because Papa will get angry with him.

Little K is also an object of sympathy because the maid neglects her while I am “gallivanting around town looking after other people's children.” While the mate and I understand the situation perfectly and can take her tantrums and manipulations with large pinch of salt, I do worry about my children. What am I supposed to say? A euphemistic translation of “Your grandmother is a manipulative, ignorant, mean-spirited human being? Don't take her seriously!”

While Cinderfella and the Ugly Sister occupy my home, the scene at my sister's home is no better. While my husband is labelled “draconian” hers is labelled “permissive.” While the rein on my children is “too tight,” her children are “indulged till they are both going to end up as parents by the time they are teenagers and then everyone will learn a lesson.”

Anger and resentment is hurled at all the three adults in my home – the mate, the maid and myself. If we don't smile and take all this in stride; if we don't happily watch as she takes our children apart, she refuses to eat her food or take her medicines and wants to pack up and leave right away. We, of course, are supposed to respect her status as an elder, and say nothing while she is doing all this. And it has been years and years while my sister and I have been subjected to this.

Caught between these two children who have ended up being married to such horrible people and are being such terrible parents, what is a poor grandmother (who has herself never attended a PTA at her own children's school) to do? Perhaps I should just send the children to my enlightened mother so she can teach Little K a lesson or two in humility and Big K ends up with irretrievably bad health or anger management problems, much perhaps, to my mother's satisfaction.

Now that it's all out, I hope I'll soon feel better.

New Women in Old Marriages 2

This post is a comment in response to a comment on "New women in old marriages." It was too long, so I converted it into a post. My responses in italics.

Dreemzguy: I think this tirade is essentially letting off the steam from personal experiences or maybe second hand ones from those close...

starting thus from the opposite side of the fence, i can already notice quite a few ladies dragging out the daggers...lol ; but i would sum up my initial thoughts by just three points. ( and I do NOT disagree with what you ladies have said- so please put down the daggers back for the moment..LOL)

Point No 1 - I presume most educated, smart, liberated and well off women as described in the write up make their own choice of the life partner. Some fully knowing the basic characteristics of the guys hoping they would tame them. It seldom happens that way, hence all men are generalized to be in the same category. My point is only this - there are MANY good guys out there who respect and treat their spouse as more than equal. So its a question of a conscious choice we make. Who do we blame for that?

@ Dreemzguy: I am answering this as I read, so I will go point by point as well.

Women who marry men "to tame them" are not included in this. I am talking about normal people here, not ringmaster-aspirants. Most women marry in the good faith that the man they dated (either arranged by their parents or selected on their own) will be what they projected themselves to be. Because the Indian family is a fairly intrusive and hierarchical institution, marrying an Indian man is not so simplistic. The man you dated and the man you married are often two different people.

Not all men have families that buy in to the concept of equality. When such families get involved, certain expectations are placed on the bride and the man has little choice except to request his wife to concede or break ties with his family. Very often the first few are small compromises, but they inevitably add up. It's either that or a constant heartache over the very first compromise - "All I told her was to wear sindoor always and even that much she refused to do," the MIL mourns to all and sundry.

Even in more nuclear marriages where the man's family is minimally involved, the marriage scales begin to tilt when children arrive on the scene. You usually find that the wife takes greater responsibility for the child. There are some awesome fathers out there, but this is the general trend.

When both parents work after the birth of a child, you rarely find a man who takes a step back career-wise to care for the child so that his wife can be more successful. On the other hand, women often turn down promotions or give up trips to be with the child. In a truly equal marriage, both would have stepped down career-wise. Many men do say during the dating period that they would take equal responsibility for the child, but this does not always happen. And when it does not, there is little a wife can do.

Another side of the coin is that in many cases, the women earn less and hence the man feels that it would make more sense to work harder while his wife steps down - or out of - the corporate ladder. However, when the wife quits work temporarily to care for the baby, she is often relegated to the home sphere. Few husbands make efforts towards alternate arrangements for childcare, so that the wife can pursue her financial and career goals. She has to stand in the sidelines and watch her husband succeed careerwise making him the “provider” and her the primary “caregiver” of the family.

Dreemzguy: Point No 2 - It is the women who are women's worst enemy as far as differentiation at family level is concerned. We do not hear as much about father in law or brother in law ill treating a woman. I feel it is women (saas, bahu, nanad, etc - at times even the newly married wife!)...who wants to control circumstances; this leads to situations where a man is expected to take sides! And I think the general opinion here would be that he takes extreme positions...its either this or that. Is it practical? Especially when the truth may not even be known to the poor guy- since most undercurrents take root behind his back over trivial issues that build up subsequently. A case in point, when our own mother gives tips and gems of knowledge which in any case we disregard (being smart or worldly wise) why have it against the poor MIL if she does the same?

@ Dreemzguy: When people mouth the words “ Women are women’s worst enemy” they inevitably point to the mother in law and sister in law (relations that are formed through the husband). They do not point at mothers and sisters. This shows that it is only after marriage that women become subjected to persecution by other women. This is because the man is unable to draw a line around his marriage and keep his family out of it the way a woman is able to do.

Disregarding the mother’s gems of knowledge has fewer repercussions than disregarding the mother-in-law’s. The mother-in-law usually takes it as a personal insult whereas the mother takes it as the daughter’s nature.

I think that if the couple want to maintain a nuclear unit with their own set of rules and regulations, it is imperative that both make sure that outside influences do not compromise the integrity of their home. “Please wear saree when my parents are here” or “please do Puja when we visit my parents” compromise on the equality that was promised to the woman at the time of marriage.

The man should not take sides. He is one of the walls protecting his marriage, just as the woman is. They are, in some ways, a single unit. Imagine the message you are sending to your child who sees Mummy in different avatars are dadi’s house and at nani’s house regardless of how equal your own home is and who sees Papa in the same avatar everywhere. This has a greater impact on your children than any lecture on equality you can give them. They will learn that no matter how liberated they are in their parents home, they will have to change for their in-laws. Many children lose respect for their mothers when they see them as weak figures manipulated by people around them and unable to make independent choices.

Dreemzguy: Point No 3 - The issues raised here are not as widespread as brought out - I would dare to say that most marriages are good, we don't hear of them, that's about all. It is like we don't hear of honest people who are plenty, but judge the society by a few dishonest ones who come to light. Generally marriage is a happy occasion, bringing up children is the most wonderful thing for a couple, treating everyone as equal in a house is what everyone wants and tries to do. Blaming the husband or wife or family, expecting one or the other to take sides is NORMAL too but why emphasis only on husband's family? Every family also has issues between father and son, mother daughter, siblings, EVERY ONE has problems; so a newly married wife too is bound have have her share. It is normal...maybe a new set of norms and circumstances are a bit different initially but those are the rules of the game in that house for all.

@ Dreemzguy: I hope that most marriages are good. Unfortunately, the more financially independent and educated women become, you find that they are less willing to compromise on their beliefs and many marriages are going sour. So this clearly shows that the women compromise on their beliefs is an integral part of marriages being “good.”

While everyone has problems – this is inevitable – the problems that new brides face are often created by unreasonable and overly intrusive demands by her husband’s family. The solution is simple and obvious – stop making them.

 It is hard enough for two adults to live together – there have to be compromises – fan high or low, windows open or shut, buy a home or rent one, have children now or later, daycare or maid. Add to this, wear a saree or not because FIL is scandalized by salwar kameez-wearing-DILs, use diapers for baby or not because Mil does not believe in diapers, attend buaji’s daughter-in-law’s brother’s wedding or not because buaji will be hurt…. You get the picture…. 

All I am saying is that people take for granted that once a girl is married anyone and everyone can make demands on her. Until she is married, her parents protect her and don’t allow people to intrude into her space. Marriage leaves her exposed to people to try to dominate her and direct her choices. Should not the husband – who brought this baggage with him – try to deal with it? If she fights on her own, should he not refrain from blaming her (openly or in his own mind) for “straining family relationships?”

Home Breakers Incorporated - Part I

Some time ago, following this discussion on Indian HomeMakers blog, a group of people offered advice to a young woman who was unhappy in her marriage. By the time the Confused Wife had more or less declared that her marriage was not worth keeping with the following statement “…I quit. They win. I don’t care. Let them. I’ll find love again….”, the most revealing and notable comment in the entire discussion was thrown up:

“Jai_C:
1.This is the first time I took part in a comment thread that comes out to this. Feels weird and not good*. I do not wish to own any part of my contribution to the above statement unless it is clear to you that I think that most second marriages are happier because of lower expectations on *both sides* (this includes your side).”


While many women and men are happy to sympathise with a woman in a toxic relationship, they want no part in the breakage of a home. As long as the woman is complaining, sympathetic others are willing to listen, to counsel and even to agree. However, the moment she says “Enough is enough” and gets ready to pack her bags, the sympathisers melt away like snowflakes in the sun. Why do they do this?

In our country, women who leave a marriage do not easily find a safe place to go other than their parental homes. They are often shunned by society and become emotionally and some times financially dependent on whoever is willing to support them.

Parents are not always willing to support a woman in distress. This may be because they fear the repercussions of one child's broken marriage on other children's marriages or marital prospects. In other conservative families, parents are afraid that they will face the criticism of their community if they support their daughter. Some have religious scruples about breaking a union which they believed was ordained by God.

Parents are also afraid that they are once again faced with the same situation that they had before the daughter was married – Who will take care of her in her old age? They fear for their daughter's safety and worry about her financial security if she leaves her marriage. These fears also lend wings to members of her extended family who come flying in to resolve her marital problems. They fear that her break-up will taint their own children's lives.

Siblings also very often take a conservative view of a woman's wish to leave her home because they may be taunted about this by their in-laws and even spouses. So the best solution for them is to push for a reunion rather than a separation. They are also concerned that they may be asked to shell out money towards the support of their siblings or their nephews and nieces. Also, in case of illness or death of the woman, her brothers and sisters may have to care for their children. A far-thinking sibling will want to avoid this.

In case of brothers who have already got the family home or are looking forward to inheriting it, the burden of allotting a part of it for the upkeep of the sister and her children acts as a deterrent. The siblings may also be afraid that the parents may now want to endow a larger part of the family inheritance in the woman's name in addition to the dowry that she has already received. Clearly, they will be shooting themselves in the leg by supporting such a move.

As far as friends and acquaintances are concerned, similar fears prevails. Male supporters may worry about the connotations that may be placed upon the relationship if they encourage a woman to leave her husband. Female acquaintances who may willingly commiserate with a woman on how terrible married life is, will be dismayed to find that their words are taken seriously and the woman is actually walking out.

They may worry that their own husbands would be displeased to find that they played a role in the breakup of a home. They fear that a reckless woman who can rashly leave her own husband may be equally capable of revealing the secrets that they have been sharing to her husband and in-laws. They may also fear that  a single woman on the lookout for a shoulder to cry on, may find that shoulder in their own mate.

Sundry others, who are not personally involved, may also back out for similar reasons – a fear of the woman becomes even more unhappy after her break-up and then blames them for misleading her, religion, community, tradition and even  concern that the woman and her children will now have fewer options and chances to happiness outside the marital framework rather than within it.

Ultimately, the enormous sanctity that surrounds an Indian family, makes it a no-entry zone for people around it. And like Hotel California, you can check in but you can never check out. Unless you leave feet first.

As I said to someone earlier, many couples stay together because  family and community puts pressure on a person who wants out of a marriage by excluding them, and in case of women, sexually harassing them and making them feel unsafe. It is very sad when this is the only thread binding couples together who live under the same roof in a daily cocoon of petty spite, one-upmanship and bottled emotions.

Fairytale parents? No way!

The interesting thing about Western children's books was the utter insignificance of the parent figures in most of the plots. In the few Indian children's books like Swami and Friends, the children's parents do play an important role – from the sidelines.

However, after being smothered with attention from my own parents throughout my life, I was often fascinated by the life of kids like the Famous Five who were more or less left to their own devices most of the time.

Considering that the kids spent most of their days in boarding school, and the mothers had household help, the fathers still resented the noise they made on their vacations. They  did their best to arrange conferences or vacations with their wives during school holidays, leaving the kids at the mercy of a fine variety of antisocial elements from smugglers to thieves to spies.

However, a recent re-visiting of the Grimm's Fairy Tales throws up an even greater assortment of dysfunctional parents. For starters, there are scores of deadbeat dads who bring in questionable women into their lives to care for their motherless children.

The awful judgement of fairytale fathers has given us some gems of villainy like Snow White's narcissistic step-mother (who made 4 murder attempts on the child's life) and Cinderella's abusive and nepotistic step-mother who forced her to sleep among the cinders and do all the household work.

Hansel and Gretel's father takes the cake when he actually abandons his two little children – in the jungle, no less – so that he and his wife may enjoy whatever food is left for the family in the time of famine.

Other parents seem to strike dangerous deals with their children's lives – pawning the children so they themselves might live. The most famous of these being Rapunzel's father who plundered a neighbour's garden to fulfil his wife's pregnancy craving for radishes. When caught, he pledges his child to the witch in return for his life and more radishes (do you know these radishes were called rapunzels, which is where the child gets her outlandish name)!

The miller in Rumplestiltskin, who increases his own importance by boasting to all and sundry that his daughter can spin straw into gold, finally abandons her in the King's hands so that he can live, instead of confessing that he was exaggerating her skills. The miller's daughter carries on her father's fine tradition, rashly promising her own first-born to Rumplestiltskin.

Many of the parents are only guilty of neglect. The father of the twelve dancing princesses had no idea that his daughters had a trapdoor in their room. I always wonder why he did not give them separate rooms in the first place. An ordinary manor house had some 50-odd rooms as a rule those days. An infinitely better idea than allowing a gaggle of strange men spending the night watching over them.

Thumbelina's mother seemed to have taken some time and trouble over her. Unfortunately, leaving the ground-floor window open to allow strange toads to kidnap the child shows that she didn't baby-proof the house well enough. Much the same can be said of the King who fathered the six swans. He married a witch. Though he did take precautions to move his children to another castle, later events show that he clearly made a terrible mistake by marrying her in the first place.

The most despicable of all the fairytale parents was perhaps Catskin's father- who wanted to marry his daughter to take the place of his dead wife. The proposal shocked the girl and caused her to run away and work as a scullery maid for a while before she married the prince.

Parents competed with each other to send their children unaccompanied on long journeys or into the jungle. The woodcutter from Little House in the Wood successively lost all of his daughters when he insisted that they bring him lunch in the jungle. Red Riding Hood's mother was clearly used to sending her daughter into the jungle to visit the grandmother – something that would seem like child neglect to the parents of today. And what prompted the Goose Girl's parents to send her to her marital home with just a evil maid for company, I cannot tell!

Apart from such poor specimens, we also have parents who longed for treasures that their poor children had to face much danger and fetch for them (eg. The Firebird) or those who put their children in a quandary by asking them to choose between a small potion of food with a curse or a large potion of food with a blessing. Parents also unwittingly pawned their children with magical monsters when they promised to give them the first thing that they met at home (eg Beauty and the Beast or Nix naught Nothing).

Among this overwhelming majority of poor parenting, a few do stand out.  Though Briar Rose's father brought on the sleeping curse by neglecting to invite the thirteenth fairy, he did get all the spinning wheels in the kingdom destroyed . And the Little Mermaid's family seem to have kept up with her all through her life as a human. My favourite remains the King whose daughter ended up with the Frog Prince; he insisted that his daughter keep her promise to the frog. Despite these few good men, having fairytale parents largely seems a nightmare.

I am now a teacher :)

Thank you for writing in, all of you. After agonizing over the decision long and hard, I decided to go for it. I am now a teacher – something I never thought I would be. The mate challenged me that since I have such strong opinions on the education system, I am being given a chance to put my money where my mouth is and I should have conviction enough to go for it. 

Of course, he thinks that I will totally rise to such a challenge. And I know that he is pushing for this because, in his eyes, this is an “ideal job” for me and he infinitely prefers me to be here rather than in the corporate rat race. The timings as well as the travel that comes with corporate life will take away from “our quality of life” for “mere money.”

While I can see through this well enough, he is right when he says that I am committing to something I believe in. This school is an artsy place and truly believes in educating the whole human being and in teaching children at the conceptual level, rather than rote learning. Now that is something I believe in. It also has spaces for everyone to succeed - art, music, academics, dance. Everyone participates in everything, so kids get to constantly challenge themselves and also explore new territories.

There are no "school leaders" or "class captains" – the older kids serve as mentors for the little ones. They take in kids of all kinds of abilities. And the class teacher stays with the class for 3-7 years - which is why I had to make the 3-year commitment. Most of the teachers are there because they believe in the school and truly love the children. Now, I cannot think of anything more idealistic than this kind of environment – somewhat reminiscent of the Gurukul. The great thing is that they actually follow all they say - something I could see for myself after being there. These are not paper promises.

Careerwise, I am exploring a completely new territory. Somehow, I have always found that all the career decisions I have made have helped me immensely in any future jobs I take. Even staying at home for the last 3 years has helped me explore reading to my children, telling stories, helping with school-work, sewing, painting – all of which will be immensely useful to me at the school. There are loads of learning opportunities and I still have enough free time to pursue my boutique idea as well as write. And perhaps this will offer me some skills that will help if and when I decide to move on.

As for the money, the mate still earns enough to keep us in comfort, and I will be earning enough to at least ensure some sort of basic living were I thrown to my own devices. The school says that it plans to raise the salaries over the next couple of years. So after weighing and thinking and careful consideration, I feel certain of my decision. So I am letting the mate believe that he talked me into this and from June, I will be a teacher. Let's see what adventures come out of this.

A hard decision to make

When I left work to stay home with my daughter, I planned to return to work in a year's time. It's been three years now and she is starting school this summer. It's an alternative education system and I love it so much that I am moving my son to this as well. My belief system is so much in alignment with what the school has to offer that I am thrilled to find this. That is the good news.

Now for the not so good news. I am ready to get back to work in June. I had it all planned out because I always believed that a woman should be financially independent - regardless of how much money her partner is making.

When I went in for admissions, I was offered a job at my daughter's school and I decided to try out the two-week trial period for a lark. That was a mistake. Now, I am completely in love with it.  It's very outdoorsy, the colleagues are good people. I can be friends with many of them - I've never seen so many kindred spirits in one place before.

The pay - however - is so dismally low that it isn't a job at all.  If a job fulfils all my needs higher up on Maslow's need hierarchy without meeting the ones below, I have no business to take it up at all. Or, do I?

Besides, it's a three-year commitment - at the very least - and I wonder if I can afford it. So that - and Ken's exams - is why I have not answering emails and comments. Sorry. On that note, any inputs? I have to decide by midweek.

What do you think? A possible project....

I've been writing about a number of gender issues lately and so have many other women. One of the recurring problems that women in trouble seem to face is the isolation and the lack of validation of their concerns.
I was wondering if we could set up a community blog with resources and link it to each of our blogs. If we know of any resource that may help women and make their lives easier, we can list this here. Since many women will participate, we can get resources from across India and maybe abroad.
Examples would include names and contact of lawyers and police officials with whom we (or someone we know) have some personal experience. A short review will be awesome. Help with creches and domestic help agencies or even plumbers and carpenters, internet providers - anything that will help a woman who is trying to settle into a new city (with her family or alone).
We can also share details of everything from shopping deals to safe areas to settle down at or job openings we know of. We can post information about shelters or therapists that we know.
The important thing is that the people who post this should have some personal experiences with the people they are recommending and should write a review, so that this does not turn into commercial list and we take some responsibility for what we recommend or don't recommend.
We can have an email address for the blog, so women would be able to write back. It can also link to relevant blog posts and resources.
It would be awesome to have some first person accounts of how women dealt with new situations - whether moving to a new city or learning to cook, or getting a divorce or finding a job.You needn't even write anything unless you have something to recommend. Even if it's a virtual support group, it could still be a group. Also, we need not write new stuff. We can link to existing information eg. An example would be Starry Eyes on adoption.
What do you think? And will you be willing to participate? How do you think we could improve on this idea? Should we even pursue it? If enough people are interested, I personally think it would be a good step to take. Write back.

Two true stories: To do or not to do

A few days earlier IHM put up a post titled  “What would you have done?” This is not related, but it did put me in mind of situations when one cannot do anything. The first incident happened at my first job when I went to interview the founders of a mental health rehabilitation center.
The first person I met while I was in the waiting room was a young girl, Anju*. She was about fifteen; she was beautiful. Anju complimented me on my dress and told me that she could dress as well as me, if she wanted to. “I can look prettier than you too,” she said. “I'm sure you can,” I agreed.
Suddenly, she clutched my hand and pressed a slip of paper into my hand. “Please call this number, and tell them to take me away from this terrible place. Please,” she pleaded.
I was flabbergasted to put it mildly. I was totally unprepared for this. Anju went on to tell me that she was a top student at a local NGO-run school. She assured me that she was completely normal and she was kidnapped and being held there against her will.
Anju said she was being abused by the volunteers at the center and that experiments were conducted on her. She also told me that she was subjected to shock treatments as a punishment and that she was kept so constantly drugged that she lost whole days and weeks of her life.
Before I jumped into any conclusions, during the interview that followed, I expressed an interest - "That's a pretty girl outside. Is she really a patient or does she work here?". The founder readily gave me Anju's case file. She also requested me to visit Anju whenever I could, since they encouraged the patients to interact with the world outside as much as possible.
The case file reported that she came from a dysfunctional family. Her father was a pimp and her mother a sex worker. Anju had been inducted into prostitution as a young child. Her mental balance lost, she was rescued when a 'customer' reported her to the center.
Repeated attempts to rehabilitate her proved unsuccessful as she was confused about whether she wanted to stay at the asylum or return to her family. Every attempt to reunite her with her parents put her right back on the streets turning tricks.
During my visits, I saw that the patients were not kept locked and many of them, including Anju, could move freely outside. There was a telephone in the visitor's hall which anyone could use. It was not locked and the visitor's hall was often empty and Anju spent a lot of her time alone there. I figured that she could make that call if she wanted to. I also found out that the school Anju mentioned had never existed.
I didn't call the number she gave me, but I went back and visited Anju several times. The next time I met her, she praised the institution and told me that they had saved her. The next time round, she seemed to hate it there. Her conversations and her file confused me completely and apart from a few visits, I did not try to get her out of there. She seemed safer there.
Possibly her case file was entirely true. In which case, I did the right thing by not calling the number she asked me to. Abused people do try to get back to the familiarity of their abusers. Possibly her story is true, in which case I passed judgement and turned my back on someone that reached out to me.
After a while, I moved to a different place and could not continue the visits. But Anju is often in my thoughts and prayers. And to this day, 11 years later, I still wonder. Was Anju paranoid delusional? Was she trapped?
Another, more disturbing incident happened during the process of my own divorce. I was waiting to see my lawyer when a lovely young woman with a beautiful 2-year-old in her arms stepped past me. They were so lovely – the both of them – that I turned to look. The little girl Ken's age at that time.
While talking to me later, my lawyer and I were discussing divorce cases in general when she gave me the shocking statistics that only about 3 per cent of women who work up the courage to meet a lawyer actually follow through till the divorce. Many drop off at some point; so arduous is the process.
Without realising that I had seen and noticed her previous client, she told me about that woman, Meera*. Meera was an only child in the second year of her B.A. when her father passed away. According to the family custom, she was married off within six months of his death to a Dubai-based businessman, who had lost both his parents.
With no relatives to speak of, Meera and her mother sold whatever little property they had and handed it to Meera's husband for investment. Mother and daughter moved into his luxurious flat and he returned to Dubai. Apart from a visit when the child was about a week old, Meera had not met her husband and was looking forward to his visit two years later.
A few days into his long-awaited visit, Meera discovered that he was sexually abusing her daughter. She had no job, her education was incomplete; she and her mother were completely dependent on this man for their daily bread and shelter. They had no relatives on both sides to turn to. The day I saw her was her first visit to the lawyer; the abuse had been going on for the last 10 days - the duration of his visit. She was afraid to confront him and wanted to explore her options.
The lawyer adviced her to move to a woman's shelter immediately and file a police complaint and a case against her husband and offered to help. When I met her the next time, I asked her about Meera. After leaving that day,saying that she would think about it, Meera had never returned. She had left no contact details, so the lawyer could not follow up either. Sadly, the lawyer was not surprised. She said that this was quite common.
Moving out and taking her husband to Court was a bigger challenge for Meera than accepting what was happening to her daughter. I can close my eyes and see that child in her yellow frock and I hope that Meera did leave with her or that that entire episode was just a misunderstanding.
The challenge for women like Meera who have literally given their all to the men in their lives is the paucity of options. She had an old dependant mother and a little baby girl. She had been clearly raised in a cocoon of wealth and sanskaar. She was a "family woman." She had no money and no identity of her own. She probably had no idea where to start.
The moment a person moves out of the shelter of the family, the options that are open to them are bleak. Abused at home, further abused at various 'shelters' and 'institutions' that they have been placed at, it is the lack of economic freedom that drive these women back into the clutches of the men who abuse them.
The reasons these shelters are so ineffective are clear. Many of these orphanages, shelters and centers are dependent on local businessmen and political leaders for funding and permissions. Unscrupulous persons among them look upon the inmates as a harem, negating the purpose of the existence of such institutions.
While some founders, managers and trustees do try to stand up to them, the pressure is too high and they believe that sacrificing a few children to serve the larger interests of the rest is alright. A little like the widow ashram in Deepa Mehta's Water that prostituted one widow so that the rest could eat and live with dignity.
In these cases, local police, staff and even the social workers who volunteer are aware of the situation, but do nothing to stop this. In any case, where else can these vulnerable people go? Is it better to stay in one of these shelters and be preyed upon occasionally or stay on the streets and be subjected to harassment every day?
Educated people satisfy their consciences with organising a lunch or dinner for inmates in shelters and orphanages. Many prefer to send the money and don't even visit to ensure that the “feast” is served. It requires persistence and determination to get to the root of the issue. And if you do, what then?
A small tip of the iceberg was visible in the Anchorage Orphanage case. This was widely reported but justice was not served here. The arthouse film Manorama – Six Feet Under, focusses the issue on child trafficking in Indian orphanages. However, children continue to be vulnerable - both in India and abroad.
What can we do? Volunteer regularly?  And even if we open a can of worms, what then? I have no idea. It would be wonderful to think that we can make the change. The media can make the change. To quote the Jessica Lal case. But that is just one case. The rest of India is yet to get its chance at justice.

* Names changed to protect privacy

 

Mamta: A perspective on roles of Indian Women

Mamta or maternal – this word forms the essence of womanhood in our country. In India, every woman considered worthy of respect and devotion embodies mamta. Mamta is built on the foundations of sacrifice, self-denial, chastity bordering on abstinence, unconditional maternal love and unquestioning family loyalty. A woman who does not have these qualities is neither respected nor valued in traditional Indian society. 

In our country, a woman's mamta is a product of several factors. An Indian woman's goodness is determined by the quickness, the perceptiveness and the willingness with which she makes sacrifices. Her worth is established by how self-effacing she can be. Her value is ascertained by how forgiving and patient she can be. The woman who excels in all these qualities is considered suitable for the responsibility of Indian motherhood. And the entire family and social system is committed to making all women fit better into this specific mould.

Indian motherhood is somewhat different from the motherhood that women of other nations have and value. Our nation is one of those rare places where it is politically, legally and culturally correct to tell a woman that she achieves completeness only when she becomes a mother. A traditional Indian mother is not a facilitator or an enabler for her child. She is an anchor. Unlike other mothers who step aside after showing their children the path they must travel on, an Indian mother's success is deemed to lie in travelling the entire path with the child.

A traditional Indian mother's role is not that of a bird pushing her chick to test its wings. Her role is to bind her chick to the nest with a soft silken thread so that he does not fly too far. She does not want to teach her child how to fish, nor does she encourage him to discover the source of fish. She gives him so much fish that he remains as dependent on her for his daily needs, as she is on him for her identity. If she dies, another woman takes over her role and keeps the child (regardless of age) in the same state of ignorant dependence. 

In order to prepare for this unique role, an Indian girl is trained from childhood. She spends her whole life in preparation for this great moment of achieving Indian motherhood -in overt and covert ways. Until she bears her own children, she practices her maternal love on her dolls, her parents, her in-laws and even her partner.  
As part of her training, a traditional Indian girl learns to obey her elders and acknowledge the superiority of the males of her family – younger or older. She learns to suppress her opinions or express them in such a way that she does not offend other members of the family.When she can crucify herself effectively and smile doing it, she has the adequate amount of mamta.

Because of this unique training, a traditional good Indian woman is expected to be able to mother everyone. She makes sure that her family is overfed and welcomes a chance to go hungry. She makes sure that she is able to nurse family members or outsiders – giving up sleep, attending to any bedside needs and making sure they take their medications. She takes complete responsibility for everyone's physical and emotional well-being. Even a bride is expected to quickly learn her marital family's routines, likes and dislikes and the sooner she does this, the better mother she will eventually make.

So strong is the Indian woman's maternal instinct that she treats her husband as her eldest son. She openly refers to him as her eldest son and the seeming incestuous angle of this declaration does not faze her or her audience. For, everyone else has an eldest son-cum-husband in their homes as well. Thus, even her sexual side is completely subjugated by her mamta.

Ultimately, when she finally has the children that she has been trained all her life for, she shares a unique, almost parasitic relationship with them. Her identity and importance rests with them, and she has compromised almost every human desire for this moment. Therefore she clings to them by making them cling to her - like two creepers living off each other with the family institution as a support system.
While Indian motherhood establishes her identity, and gives a direction to her mamta, it also brings with it its uniquely Indian challenges. Indian mothers are held  entirely responsible for the value system that an Indian child subscribes to. However, the value system that she is expected to inculcate in her children is not some Decalogue that she has worked out in the course of her life. Oh no! It is an amalgam of values, attitudes and lifestyle choices subscribed to by her marital home.

This is where the self-effacement, the blind obedience and the unquestioning loyalty that she has practised all her life come to her aid. If she did not possess these qualities in abundance, it would be impossible for her to effectively train her children in a code of conduct that she has not worked out for herself. In essence, she is merely the link that passes on the sanskaar of her marital home from the generation before her to the generation that follows.

An Indian woman's varied roles as a daughter, a sister, a wife, a daughter-in-law and even as a working woman, are intrinsically coloured and flavoured and moulded by this great melting pot of mamta – the role that she was supposedly created for. Her choices, her character and her lifestyle are defined by her mamta. Whether she leaves a bad relationship or stays, whether she drops a successful career or works, whether she has children or not... Ultimately all her big life decisions are bound, cinched and decreed by her mamta.

In traditional society, Indian womanhood is defined by mamta, is worshipped by mamta and identified with mamta. Indian womanhood is celebrated by mamta, is honoured by mamta and idolized as mamta. Indian womanhood is established by mamta, is idealised by mamta and determined by mamta.

On the other hand, Indian womanhood is seduced by mamta, is stereotyped by mamta and is shackled by mamta. It is denied by mamta, is distorted by mamta and often debased by mamta. Indian womanhood is a lot bigger than mamta. A whole lot bigger. Perhaps this Woman's Day, we should think about freeing Indian women to enjoy all the roles they have, unadulterated by the burden of mamta.

I tag Desi Girl, Eeprikka and Shilpa Desh to participate.

Delhi girls are easy?

A few weeks ago, I was talking to an acquaintance about a news item about a young girl who'd been sexually abused by her local guardian. Blackmailed and abused for several months, she finally picked up the courage to file a case against him.